Harry Potter and the Secret Love Diaries
by Nutta Mental
Summary: it's the 6th year, and Mary-Sue comes along (yes mary-sue) she's after Draco, but who else is? pretty much everyone! everyone but the one Draco actually wants... will romance blossom? *shrugs* i dunno
1. Confession

à Mary-Sue vs. Harry Potter in the Race for Draco Malfoy ß

Okay, I've come up with a theory that Harry Potter is just one big Mary-Sue. And is gay. So it's time that he had some competition. 

Disclaimer: ALL of the girls/things writing this story claim to own Harry Potter and swear that Rowling has stolen their idea… they're all idiots. 

-=====-Harry Potter and the Secret Love Diaries -=====-

Chapter one - Confession

Harry's diary – Griffindor tower   
                         10:00 pm

                         Beginning of term one

                         6th year 

Dear Diary,  
                  I'm in love. Not with Hermione, not even with Ron, but with Draco Malfoy. Ahhh… even writing his name gives me pleasure. That reminds me of this one little episode I hate during Potions. Professor Snape was crapping on about…. crap. Draco was sitting in front of me and I was staring at the back of his _glorious_ head. It was the only thing that mattered to me. The puddle of drool on the sheet of parchment in front of me didn't matter. The fact that on the parchment in front of me that I was supposed to be writing notes on didn't matter, since I didn't _really_ need to keep it as all is said was: _Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Dra- _sorry got carried away… Ron waving his had in front of my face also didn't matter. The bell ringing didn't matter. Nothing did until Draco (_Draco_)walked merrily out of the room chatting to … the new girl… _Mary-Sue. _My whole world fell apart. I _will_ get Draco, if it's the last thing I do. Even it means killing _Mary-Sue. _Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha….

Lots of love, Harry

Ron's Diary – Griffindor common room 

                        10:10 pm 

                        Beginning of term one

                        6th year 

Harry's acting _weird_

I think he's in love…

With Draco…

I  knew he was a pansy, but I thought he like Cedric. Oh well. In Potions he was staring into space and writing "_Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco Draco" _while dribbling.

Draco seems quite taken by the new girl. 

She's hot. 

Blonde hair that goes all shiny in the sunlight. 

She's hot. 

Looks like a cheerleader from some American muggle movie. 

She' hot. 

Violet eyes. 

Did I mention she was hot? 

Hmmm…. Just before I started writing I heard Harry laughing evilly. 

Dammit that boy's weird. 

Ron Weasley, signing off. 

Mary-Sue's diary – La-la land (Hufflepuff tower)

                                10:15 pm 

                                Beginning of term one

                                6th year. 

So, like, I was, like, walking to class and this, like, red headed guy in Griffindor or whatever was, like, staring at my boobs. Oh well. There's this nerd black haired kid – I think he's gay – and he's, like, totally in love with this guy that I'm, like, so totally in love with more. Like, now I'm confused. Okay, like, the guy that I'm, like, totally more in love with than the black-haired kid, is called Draco Malfoy and I can't stop thinking about him and, like, all this thinking is making my head hurt but I don't care because in so totally in love. 

Like, love Mary-Sue

_____________________________o____________________________

So yeah… that's the start of the story. Mary-Sue and Harry Potter are both in love with Draco Malfoy and both want to kill each other… what will be the out come of this story? 

Who knows? 

Who cares? 

But keep reading 'cause we said so!


	2. Confrontation

Disclaimer: After being totally nagged by the girls who wrote this (myself included) I have begun my search for the legal papers in my room… so for there's no proof that we own Harry Potter… or the fact that there's a floor in my room… 

-=====-Harry Potter and the Secret Love Diaries -=====-

Chapter two – Confrontation 

Mary-Sue walked into the Great Hall for breakfast the morning after the journal entries were written. She caught Harry's eye… the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife… or a spoon. 

"Good morning Harry," she said in her perfect singsong bimbo voice. 

"Hi," Harry grunted.

"Guess what." Said Mary-Sue, her voice still singsong and bimbo-ish 

"What?" grunted Harry Potter, sounding more and more like a pig.

Mary-Sue lowered her voice. "Draco's mine…" 

Replay of ad for Chamber of Secrets Dueling scene 

**"You wish," Harry's voice was really deep. **

"Ooo-er." Said Mary-Sue back in bimbo style, her eyes skimmed over the Great Hall in search of Draco… they made eye contact. 

"Scared Potter?" Mary-Sue said, her voice getting higher and higher. 

"You wish," Harry said, his voice getting deeper and deeper. 

Harry's diary – Griffindor tower   
                         8:00 pm

                         Beginning of term one

                         6th year 

Dear Diary, 

                  Today Draco sat in front of me again, his hair flowing all over my work, tossing his long locks… ahhh… like in one of those American muggle movies that uncle Vernon would never let me watch, so I watched gay porn movies instead! 

And then there's Mary-Sue. She's trying to steal my Draco from me! Well, I'm not going to let her! I'm gonna get him! Even if it kills me. 

Lots of love, Harry 

Will Harry ever find love? (Not likely) 

Will Draco decide between Mary-Sue and Harry?

Will Hermione ever come into the story? (Not likely)

Who knows? 

Who cares? 

But stick around for more diary entries!


	3. Villain?

Disclaimer: if pigs could fly… there'd probably be pigs everywhere… hmm… still haven't found those legal papers though… maybe the Veggie cleaned them up… hmm…

-=====-Harry Potter and the Secret Love Diaries -=====-

Chapter three – Villain? 

Ron Weasley's Diary – Griffindor tower

                                       8:00 pm 

                                       Beginning of term one

                                      6th year. 

So yeah, I was looking for my potions book and I thought it might be under Harry's bed. So I had a look and found these black things. They must be some muggle thing so I sent them to dad and he sent back a message saying: "_SEND ME MORE!!_"

Weird…

Ron Weasley, gone potty

Draco's Diary – Slytherin common room.

                           8:00 pm 

                            Beginning of term one

                            6th year. 

Dear Holder of Devious Plans and Scary Secrets, 

                                                                              I'm suspicious… Marcus Flint was staring at my butt, I mean, yeah, I have been working out and my butt cheeks are like buns of steel but… Marcus Flint?! Shit! He's as ugly as a mule's fanny! 

I do love somebody! 

Well, I'm torn between two people…

Hope I can decide soon… 

Buns of Steel Boy, Draco

Mary-Sue's Diary – Hufflepuff common room.

                                8:00 pm 

                                Beginning of term one

                                6th year.

DRACO IS A 

_SEX GOD!!!_

Love, Mary-Sue (loves Draco)

Harry's Diary – Griffindor…. Urgh some other room!

                           8:00 pm 

                           Beginning of term one

                           6th year.

DRACO IS A 

_SEX GOD!!!_

Love Harry.

Ron Weasley's Diary – Griffindor bathroom

                                       9:00 pm 

                                       Beginning of term one

                                       6th year.

There's a rumor going around that Draco is a Sex God… I wouldn't know. But he did look at me funny today, you know, did a weird eyebrow thing…Dad told me to send him more of those black things… but when I told him there were none left he sent me a howler… 

Bizarre… 

Ron, Signing out!

Voldemort's Diary – Evil lair (somewhere in the mountains).

                                  9:00 pm 

                                  Beginning of term one

Dear Diary, 

                  I am working for some chick. She wants me to kill James Potter's son. I love James. I want to kill his son because he's a symbol of James' straightness. I am still angry at myself for missing and killing James. Mary-Sue, the chick I'm working for, pays me sooooo much money. It's stupid… she's paying me money for something I was going to do for free… dumb girl… oh well, more money for me! I also love money…. But I love James more. 

Hugs and Kisses (especially for James), Voldemort.

Will Ron's dad ever get more porn videos? 

Will we find out who Draco's in love with? 

Will Hermione ever come into this story? 

Who knows? 

Who cares? 

But keep reading 'cause we want more money…. Not that we're getting any…. *whistles*


	4. Ghosts Can Do That?

-=====-Harry Potter and the Secret Love Diaries -=====-

Chapter four – Ghosts can do that? 

Ronan the Centaurs Diary – Forbidden Forest

8:00 pm 

Beginning of term one

Mars is in an unlikely position with Mercury… Venus is in an unusual alignment with Jupiter and Saturn. Pluto is watching gay porn… oh wait! That's Ron's dad. Something fishys going on around Hogwarts… I think it was those fish fingers I had last night. 

Hermione's Diary – Griffindor Tower

9:00 pm 

Beginning of term one

6th year
    
    (Wow, Hermione's finally come into the story!)
    
    Dear Diary,
    
    I haven't been mention in this story at all…
    
    I keep wanting to end my life, but my overly large brain keeps telling me not
    
    too, and you know how bossy it is. 
    
    I've also noticed that Malfoy (he's so hot) keeps doing some strange eyebrow
    
    thing at the Weasley's, like he's trying to come onto them. Wish he'd come onto
    
    me… mmmmmmm…. Why do Slytherins have to be so damn hot (except for that ugly mule guy, I don't know his last name, something Flint…)?!?
    
    Also, I've been hearing that Malfoy has a creamy caramel centre in his *Lavender screams*. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…. Not that I listen to rumours. 
    
    (I want Malfoy du du du du du…..
    
     I want Malfoy du du du du du…..
    
    (song to "I Want Candy" by Aaron Carter))
    
    Love, Hermione….
    
    Ginny's Diary – Griffindor Girls Dorm
    
     9:00pm
    
     Beginning term one 
    
     5th year
    
    Dear diary,
    
    Today in the tower I heard Hermione singing a song about wanting Malfoy. Why
    
    would she bother? Terrance Higgs is hotter! You know, I really hope this diary
    
    isn't like you-know-who's….
    
    _Well, Ginny… about that…_
    
    Noooooooooooooooooooooooo……………
    
    _Ginny, did u know that Draco Malfoy has a creamy caramel centre in his _*Ginny slams book shut*
    
    Harry's Diary – Boys Toilet
    
                             10:00 pm
    
    MALFOY HAS A CREAMY CARAMEL CENTRE IN HIS *toilet flushes*
    
    Malfoy's Diary – Slytherin Tower
    
     10:00 pm 
    
     Beginning term one
    
     6th year
    
    Dear Diary, 
    
    Ok, there's another rumour going around about me…
    
    Something about my *bell rings* having a caramel centre. 
    
    I mean I haven't been jacking off lately but I don't think I have caramel in my
    
    *bell rings* 
    
    Gotta go, Malfoy.
    
    Cedric Diggory's Diary - Myrtle's cubical
    
     1:00 am
    
     Beginning term one
    
     Dead!
    
    OH! OH! MYRTLE! MYRTLE!!!
    
    I didn't think that ghosts could do that…
    
    Well, they can now…
    
    After I died my life (or what ever) has been gay (Kris: was it gay or great?)…
    
    Myrtle offered to share her toilet with me… and… well…. Yes… *ahem*
    
    From Cedric…
    
    Myrtle's Diary – Toilet U-bend
    
     1:00am
    
     Beginning term one
    
     Dead!
    
    OH GOD YES!!!!!
    
    And to think I wasted all this time moaning about Harry!
    
    Cedric is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood…


	5. Virgin?

-===========-Harry Potter And the Secret Love Diaries -===========-

Snape's dairy

Something's wrong with this school…. EVERYONE'S GAY!!!

Especially POTTER! (spits) 

He keeps drooling all over my benches while staring at Malfoy (Looks out the window dreamily. 

DAMN HIPPY'S!!!

FREE LOVE SUCKS!!!

I'm gonna die a virgin.

But I'm not gay (or am I?) 

(No, don't think do so.)

Snape 

Ron's Diary

SNAPE WILL DIE A VIRGIN!!! (God, at least this rumour doesn't have anything to do with 

*Laughs* *snorts*

Ron

Sirius' Diary

Harry,

I am your father

I am your father

I am your father

I am your father

Hmmm… no, how to break it to him. Yes, I know what your thinking, I, Sirius Black, am Harry Potter's father. 

Well, it all happened one dark but cozy winter's day when everyone but James and I were in Hogsmeade buying stink bombs… we sat close together, by the fire keeping warm, breathing in each other's breath….

….. and then Lily walked in, so I screwed her (hey, what was supposed to do?"   
  


From the totally pissed, real father of Harry Potter. 


End file.
